With a fight for mayoralty, city council, and the local licensing trust, squads of candidates are lining up to do battle, all fervent in their belief that they’re the best for the job. And since they’re all ardent about giving me advice on how to cast my vote, it seems only fair to let them know how I decide between them. So here, for their consideration, is my system, outlined via this non-polluting, cost-free, environmentally-friendly, opt-in method.
I’ve got this spread-sheet pinned up, the ELUFFANT in my office, with your name, and columns and cells to enter numbers. When I learn anything about you, I give you a score 1-10 on how it rates with me. These are positive points.
They’re balanced by a section for negative points, which you should particularly know about as they put most candidates seriously in deficit.
• BIN points: Brochure In No-circulars marked letterbox – minus 10 for each infringement. Okay, so you didn’t deliver it personally, but if you failed to instruct your minions not to ignore my wishes, you won’t represent me well. And, anyway, how does your glossy, full-colour pamphlet align with your stated concern for the environment?
• BINEX points: an extreme extension of the above – minus 20-50 points for brochures found littering the street or multiple copies stuffed behind fences.
• PIMBY points: Pollution In My Backyard – minus 20 points for each billboard erected and despoiling my local area. Warning: signs blocking a pleasant view, or adding to the danger of any street corner may incur increased penalty.
• SAPP points: Stated Affiliation with a Political Party – minus 10 points. SAPPEX – deduction can be doubled in extreme cases.
• SOOC points: Slagging Off Other Contestants – minus 15. Deduction made for each instance.
• UnPC points – Unsolicited Phone Call – minus 25. Deduction made for each instance.
So there it is. Please note, come polling day it’s often the hopeful with neutral points who wins the tick.